YOU MUST BE A REDNECK IF

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Late for Work

Gene retired in his early 50's and started a second career.
However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't
seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss
was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day,
his boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Gene, I must tell you, I truly like your work, you do a bang-up
job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying
to me as well as your fellow workers."

Gene replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."

"That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact
that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because
I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force,
and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't
that correct ?"

"Yes. I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud
of it!" said Gene.

"Well, what did they say when you came in late?"
asked his boss.

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

Human Race

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.'

Two days later, the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Mom said they developed from monkeys?

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.!'

Gentle Thoughts for Today

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversite.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body, and your fat has gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Sir Paul & Heather Mills-McCartney Reflections on settlement

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
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'She's running around in circles', according to a close friend, 'she needs all the support she can get. It's not like it’s easy to walk out on a relationship like this'
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After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.
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News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long' she said in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped'
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Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but it was just a stocking-filler.
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A gold miner in Africa had an accident and lost a leg. He said to his mate 'I'm stuffed, who will want a one legged gold digger?' His mate replied, 'Try Paul McCartney'
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Finally new song lyrics by Sir Paul McCartney: I lay upon a grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
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These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now Heather has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
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New Super Market

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh-mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

The Right Answer

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to the man he just shot and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'