Florida

1. You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida
2. You think a mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
3. You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
4. You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and February.
5. You don't know what soda, cola, or pop is, "What kinda coke you want?"... regardless of brand or flavor
6. Anything under 95 is just warm.
7. You've hosted hurricane parties.
8. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
9. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
10. You get angry when people say " Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."
11. You wear shorts and use the A/C on Christmas.
12. You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba ".
13. It's a perfect 72 degrees outside, but you run the A/C just to keep mildew from growing on your shoes.
14. Deer are smaller than your labrador
15. You're more scared of the freaks who live down the street than gators
16. You know someone who's been struck by lightning
17. You consider plywood a window treatment.
18. The term "huge fan" has nothing to do with sports.
19. you stay out of your pool in August because the water is too warm
20. you won't drink orange juice cause you know how they make it...
21. You think Mayport is just another yatch club.
22. you treat camouflage like a gang color...
23. your mama makes iced tea as thick and sweet as maple syrup
24. you call all your friends 'cracka'
25. your not offended when someone calles you 'cracka'
26. you think Jacksonville is 'up north'
27. you know the difference between a palmetto bug and a cockroach
28. you were happy when they brought in Powerball because it added versatility to your retirement portfolio
29. you've gotten a sunburn while cutting the yard in January

Faithful Funnies!

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

First Day on a new job

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Thanksgiving Predicted Weather Forecast

Thanksgiving Predicted Weather Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.

The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates.

Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.

During the late afternoon and evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.

Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.

We expect a warming trend where soup develops.

By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

The Night Before Thanksgiving

The Night Before Thanksgiving

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"

He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe;
I wanted his life !

He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams "My God Woman, You’re Going Insane!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, darn, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell.

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on Broil instead of on Bake.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'll Have it all Catered

Happy Thanksgiving To Everyone!!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14- 16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,
Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad.
I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside.

'Cooter'

Aging of males

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever You are hot and sweaty.. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from 'who knows what', and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know -- you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking-in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror, and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her
grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.